Reid kept Amber and I up until 3 am yesterday morning. I was very upset. I was tired and frustrated. I spent much of the day internally pouting because I think I deserve better than to be kept up until 3 am. I felt sorry for myself, and quite entitled about it. Well, at least during the day it occurred to me, “how can I hold anything against my son for being uncomfortable and needing to be consoled at night? Self, you make no sense...”
The afternoon came and we were out on an errand; the sun was setting, and Amber was determined to be outside as a family at the park, even though it was bedtime for Reid. So, exhausted as we were, we went to the park. Reid and I climbed the stairs together, we braved the heights of the playground, we went down the slide together. I realized I was having a good time instead of cleaving to my self centeredness.
Having fun by surprise, I realized something. In life I believe that God places parallels to our reality with him in the most beautiful ways. Here, I realized that he placed a love in my heart for my son that is in fact unconditional. A love that transcends my emotions, words, even, my own ability to fully understand. This little seed in which God says, “See how I love you? See that there is nothing you can do to escape me? Do you see that I will love you perfectly for an eternity? It’s ok, you will fail to love your son like this but you will know the power of this love still.” I am so thankful for this; I am so thankful that God put a seed of his own love in me that can crush the torture of my own self centeredness. It demands happiness despite unfavorable conditions, and insists on freedom.
“So let the cold winds rail against us, let the rain come down....you fill me up with love, and you help me stand, because I am a family man” Andrew Peterson